Vital Information For Your Everyday Life
by JudeDeluca
Summary: Matter-Eater Lad is your host for the evening, and he's dishing out vital information for your every day lives. May God help us all. Next, the Worst Earth Day Ever.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!

Since there is a like of Matter-Eater Lad, I have taken it into my own hands. Complete spur of the moment.

* * *

"Tonight's regularly scheduled program, _My Five Sons_, has been cancelled due to a homicide invest-I mean technical difficulties. And now it's _Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for Your Everyday Life_."

We're inside a well lit study. Tenzil is sitting in an old leather chair with a glass of brandy in his hand and wearing a robe. He still has his trademark specs. Classical music was playing in the background. Tenzil turned to the camera.

"Oh! Didn't see you there. I'm Tenzil Kem of Bismoll, some of you might know me as Matter-Eater Lad. Tonight, I'll be giving advice for your daily routine."

"What makes you so qualified to give advice?!" some guy from off camera screams.

"I got my qualifications from Joe." Tenzil explains. "Joe who?" "Joe Mama. Now put on this tutu and recite the Canadian National Anthem!" "I don't wanna!" the voice yells.

Tenzil clears his throat, then takes a swig of brand and bites off a piece of the glass.

"It's okay to eat toast in your house. It's not okay to eat toast with a mouse. It's not okay to eat it with a bear cub. It's not okay to eat in your bathtub. Why? Because only a moron would bring his toaster inside the bathtub."

"If you're living in a small German village, and some scientist has created an abomination sewn from dead body parts, the best course of action is to chase him into an abandoned windmill and set it on fire. 'Cuz nothing tastes better than finger lickin' fried freak!" Tenzil licked his lips at the thought.

"One plus one equals two. Red plus white equals pink. Dynamite plus matches equals BOOM!"

"Listen carefully. Cabana. Cabana Havana. Cabana Havana banana. Cabana Havana banana manana. Cabana Havana banana manana pajamas. I'm in my cabana in Havana eating a banana in manana in pajamas. Hurts doesn't it?"

"What's red and green, has five legs and only one eye? I don't know but it just ate the cameraman!"

"How to tell if you're a moron. You must be if you're listening to this advice. BURN!" Tenzil let out a hearty laugh as he bit into the glass again.

"It's funny to give your teacher hot pepper gum on April Fools Day. It's not funny when you give your ninety-two year old grandfather hot pepper gum on April Fool's Day. The man was in WWII, show some respect!" He was pointing an accusing finger at the screen.

"If you just ate something that will make you sick and you need to induce vomiting. My advice is to turn on _Waterworld_. Your insides won't know what hit 'em."

"Moses said 'Let my people go.' Marie Antionette said 'Let them eat cake.' My uncle Art says 'Lemme squeeze this thing on my neck and let's go!' Powerful words, indeed."

"Someone once said 'shoot 'em all and let God sort 'em out.' That same person is now spending a life sentence behind bars. We can't tell you his real name, but his nickname is 'Corn Muffin.'"

"When you see a Baby Ruth bar floating in a pool, and it has corn in it, that's not a Baby Ruth bar." Tenzil grimaced.

"If someone tells you to jump off a cliff, and you do it, GOOD! One less stupid person to worry about."

"If you're in school and you're arguing over who's smarter, it doesn't matter, because you're all vermin in the eyes of Kanesh!"

Tenzil looked over at the camera and said, "well, looks like we're out of time for tonight. If you'll excuse me I have go to solve world hunger. Good night."

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes, Monty Python, or All That!

Because you wanted more, here it is. But it was done in a hurry.

* * *

"On tonight's news, parrots declare civil war on pirates. And now for something completely different. It's _Tenzil Kem with Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_".

Tenzil is sitting outside on the porch of a British mansion. He's again wearing a robe and his specs as a man plays a violin in the background.

"Hi there. So nice to see you again. I'm Tenzil Kem of Bismoll. I'm also called Matter-Eater Lad. I'm here with vital information for your daily routine."

"You're advice is lame and ridiculous!" the off camera voice yelled. "You face is lame! Now come over here and cut open this Thanksgiving turkey!" "I don't wanna!"

Tenzil recomposes himself.

"They say an apple a day, keeps the doctor away. Especially when you have THIS." Tenzil pulls out an apple bazooka. "PULL!" A doctor is launched into the air. "I regret nothing!" BAM. "PULL!" "Tell my wife I love her!" BAM. "PULL!" "Viva Quebec!" BAM.

"They say that a man's virility can be judged by the size of his feet." Tenzil reaches down and pulls a giant glass jar with a huge foot in formaldehyde. "Check it out, ladies. Pretty big, huh?"

"Hickory dickory dock. The mouse ran up the clock. And if he knows what's good for him he better stay up there."

"If you like helping the elderly, you're a good person. If you like playing tricks on the elderly, you're a bad person. And if you think the elderly are a cheap work force, you're a Republican."

"They say you can't judge a book by it's cover. Not until you've read my new book 'Judging Books By Their Cover'. For only 29.99." Tenzil pulls out a book with him on the cover, as the Mona Lisa.

"If it's late at night and you hear banging noises coming out of your walls, you've got ghosts. If you here them coming from you're parents' bedroom, you've got a baby brother." Tenzil raised his eyebrow.

"If you're having trouble in Math Class, it doesn't mean you can point at your teacher and say 'What the hell are you talking about you moron?!'"

"Little Jack Horner sat in his corner eating his Christmas pie. Christmas pie? It's October! How old is that pie?!"

"Everyone will tell you in Little Red Riding Hood the wolf was the big guy. But the real bad guy was Red's mom. Why? She wanted the brat and the old lady outta the way so she could get the old broad's money, so she hired the wolf to do a little job, see? Didn't count on that huntsman to get in the way, see?"

"Abraham Lincoln said 'I cannot tell a lie.' My Aunt Mitzi said 'I can't take it anymore!' I miss Aunt Mitzi." Tenzil's eyes start to tear.

"People have always wondered, 'what is the sound of one hand clapping?' I have always wondered 'who cares?'"

"Fe fi fo fum. I smell the blood of an Englishman." *Sniff sniff*. "Oh, wait, that was me." Tenzil blushes.

"If you get fired from your job, and you want to leave your boss a little 'surprise' on his desk, you should wait until he leaves the room. Found that out the hard way."

"Roses are red, and violets are violet. You got a problem with that? KISS MY SHORTS!"

"People say that children are the future. Keep telling yourself that when you see that little freak from across the street burning ants with a magnifying glass."

"Well that's all for tonight. If you'll excuse you me I have to go take a squirrel out a man's head. Good night."

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!

Enjoy.

* * *

"...there were no survivors. And now it's time for _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_."

This time, Tenzil is on a deck overlooking a beach. He's in green and black bathing shorts decorated with a teeth pattern, a green tank-top, and his usual specs.

"My we do keep running into each other don't we? Hi, I'm Tenzil Kem. Most know me as Manny the Mauler. Others know me as Mister Magic Mutton Chops. And some know me as Debbie. But you can call me Matter-Eater Lad, and I have some information crucial to your lives."

"I wish you would get hit by an old lady!" the off screen voice yells. "And I wish you would stop _being_ an old lady! Now come over here and build a perpetual motion device!" "I don't wanna!"

Tenzil took of his specs and rubbed his eyes. Then he put them back on.

"It's fun to bring a beach-ball to the beach. It's _not_ fun to bring a rabid raccoon. Example..." Tenzil tosses a rabid raccoon into the beach. The beach-goers start screaming and running around. "IT'S EATING MY EYES!" "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!" "SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF PEOPLE!"

"When life gives you lemons, give life a wedgie!"

"Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. Just went right over that cliff after her."

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch. Count your zits before they pop."

"If you have two heads, four noses, and a tail where your belly button should be, you ain't coming over to my house you circus freak!"

"They say the early bird catches the worm. I sure hope not!" Tenzil covers his crotch area.

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? Mirror mirror in my hut, I sure hope you kiss my butt!"

"My Cousin Zeke told me 'be kind to others and you will have all the riches in the world.' He also thought there were little men in his head trying to steal his bathtub. We don't visit Cousin Zeke anymore."

"I told the witch doctor I was in love with you. The witch doctor said "put your pants back on, this is a library!"

"It's okay to be different. It's okay to be original. It's not okay to walk into school wearing only a severed head around your neck and proclaim "I AM THE QUEEN OF FRANCE! DANCE MY LIPPY HOP TOADS!"

"Always look before you cross the street. The same should not be said when grandma's putting on her bra." Tenzil shivers.

"Snow White married Prince Charming, Cinderella married Prince Charming, Sleeping Beauty married Prince Charming, heck _I_ married Prince Charming. We're registered at Bloomingdale's." Tenzil giggles like a school girl.

"When you steal someone's heart, it means you're in love. When you actually do it, it means you're a murderer. Have fun in prison!"

"Well this has been fun. If you'll excuse me I have to give grandma her bacon in the tub. Good night."

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!

I'm glad you guys like this stuff, but I'm doing the best I can. Enjoy anyway. Not sure if I made up the Santa one though.

* * *

  
"Well kiss my grits! It's _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_."

Tenzil is wearing a cardigan sweater and is sitting on the porch of a suburban home.

"Hello neighbor. I'm glad we could see each other again."

"I want my MTV!" The off screen voice yells. "And I want you to stop groaning about it! Now come here and stuff this weasel!" "I don't wanna!

Tenzil clears his throat.

"Momma had a chicken. Momma had a cow. Dad put a padlock on the barn."

"See Spot. See Spot run. See Spot run into traffic. That was the last we saw of Spot."

"They say laughter is the best medicine." Tenzil watches a girl walk into a pole and starts laughing loudly. "I feel better already!"

"Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. Holy crap a cow jumped over the moon?!"

"When girls wanna have fun it's okay. When _I_ wanna have fun I'm put on probation and get banned from K-Mart."

"If you get caught stealing a car, it's best if you didn't say to the policeman 'What are you gonna do about it SLAPPY PANTS?!'"

"If you have pink hair, a Hulk Hogan tattoo on your fanny, and a duck in your pants... you have pink hair, a Hulk Hogan tattoo on your fanny and a duck in your pants!"

"There's no such thing as the perfect crime. That's why I have to be in court tomorrow."

"My parents use to tell me there was nothing hiding the closet, until my brother Pat came out."

"If you have a friend with a wooden leg, two glass eyes, and a tube sticking out of her neck, can I have her number?"

"When your teacher is calling attendance, you should avoid saying stuff like 'Where do you think I am, STUPID?!'"

"Richard Nixon said 'I am not a crook.' My Grandpa said 'I'm a pretty little girl!' We had to send Grandpa away."

"If you're parents have fur, fanged teeth, yellow eyes, and howl at the moon, there's a pretty good chance you're adopted."

"You say tonight's the night when two becomes one. I say, you're a moron."

"If you're looking around your room, and you see this guy in a window, and he looks exactly like you and does everything you do, you're parents dropped you on your head."

"On Christmas Eve, be sure to put a big pot of boiling water on your fireplace. The next morning, help yourself to a big bowl of Santa Stew!"

"Well this has been fun, but I have to go shave the Queen of England."

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for your Everyday Life."


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!

Can you guess which Simpsons episode I'm making a reference to? Again, the best I got but, enjoy.

* * *

"Live from New York, it's _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_!"

Tenzil is sitting at a table on a balcony overlooking NYC.

"Hey party people! I'm Tenzil Kem with information crucial to your daily lives."

"I rue the day your parents had intercourse!" the off screen voice yelled. "I know you are but what am I? Now get over here and start tap dancing with this dead squid!" "I don't wanna!"

Tenzil threw his hands up in frustration.

"If it looks bad, smells bad, tastes bad, and is vomiting on the floor, chances are, you're dad made dinner tonight."

"If you're getting a visit from your Great Aunt Mildred, the best course of action would be to stand perfectly still until she loses interest. Then, she'll spread her wings and fly back to her nest with offerings of nursing home pudding and bingo cards for her freshly hatched young."

"It took the Hebrews forty years to cross the desert. It took me five seconds to burn the house down."

"The other day my sister Timantha said 'Like OMG WTF TTYL FUR-EVA!' I'm pretty sure she was having a stroke."

"They say it's bad luck to kill a spider." Tenzil takes out a mallet and smashes a small spider. "Yeah, bad luck for the spider, that is!"

"President Kennedy once said 'Err ah errah errr ahh...'. This is why I sleep in history class."

"They say you should stop and smell the roses. Well I did, and the Rose Family had me arrested!"

"They say two's company, but three's a crowd. I hope my girlfriend never heard that saying. Now what I'm saying?"

"They say too much of a good thing can be bad. Does that mean too much of a bad thing can be good?" Tenzil begins to pour bees onto his head, and starts screaming wildly. "AHHHHH!! THIS ISN'T A GOOD THING!! WHY DID I THINK IT WAS?!"

Tenzil shakes off the bees and recomposes himself.

"If you have a little black piglet in your pants, and you don't what to do, I suggest... you take the pig outta your pants! What, do you need an instruction manual, moron?"

"When caught cheating on a test, it'd help if you didn't say to the teacher "stupid over here won't give me the answers. Now gimme a kiss slappy wag!"

"Never try to protect yourself from boriac acid using only a pair of cheap googles. Why? Because zey goggle, zey do NOTHING!!" Tenzil ripes away his specs to reveal burnt out, crusty flesh covering his eyes.

"Well this has been fun but I have to go see a man about laser eye surgery. Smell ya later!"

Tenzil gets up, only to trip on something and fall off the balcony.

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for Your Every Day Life."

"I'm okay!"

Happy Halloween everyone!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!

The macerna line someone else made up, I just changed it all. Again, enjoy.

* * *

"The show that no one wants to see, but everyone will watch, it's _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_!"

Tenzil's dressed as a wannabe gangsta.

"How's it hanging dawgs? I'm Tenzil and I'm gonna lay down some phat info to save yo' sorry asses."

"My parents wish I was never born!" the off screen voice yells. "And so do I! Now get over here and jimmy this jelly!" "I have absolutely no idea what that even means and I still don't wanna!"

"If you're afraid of heights, you shouldn't climb up to high places. If you're afraid of bathtubs, you probably smell like something died, you smelly moron!"

"If you're at a fast food place, and you cut in line, then you're a line cutter! And if you're a line cutter, then you're grandma will come to your house while you're in the shower, and pelt you with diseased cats!"

"If you're walking home from school one day, and you notice something old and smelly is going through your backpack looking for money, chances are it might not be a dog."

"The other day I was walking and hit my head, but I don't think I got any damage brained."

"If you like playing with rabid animals, drinking bleach, and wandering into traffic, guess what? Your mom is Brittney Spears!"

"Mae West said "why don'tcha come up and see me some time." Well I did, and guess what? She was dead! Story of my life."

"Oh macarena macarena macarena. Oh macarena macarena macarena. Oh macarena macarena macarena. Oh how I hate whoever wrote this song!"

"If a girl asks you out, the first thing you should NOT say is 'I made poopy!'"

"My mom said 'Tenzil stop chewing on the carpet.' And I said 'go kiss a gorilla CORNCHEESE!' I have no idea what that meant either."

"On your first date, you shouldn't say stuff like "I have a violet kangaroo who lives in my head. Now lets make tongue whoopy HoneyStuffin!"

"There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do. That must've been one BIG ASS shoe."

"All is fair in love and war. Sadly that doesn't work as a homicide defense."

"No cop in the universe will believe the excuse 'but officer the bullets just fell into him!'"

"Never kick a man when he's down. Wait for him to get up, then go crazy on his ass!"

"I know what boys like, and I know what guys want. They want you to shut up. BURN!"

"When thinking over a situation, it's best not to think at all. Leave the thinking to the people with brains, you sacka dumb monkeys!"

"It was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring... except for this fat guy trying to get in through the chimney."

"There comes a time in everyone's life when they must learn about the birds and the bees." Tenzil takes out a bird and a bee in a jar. "This is a bird and this is a bee." Tenzil lets the bee out of the jar and the bird eats it. "And that's how babies are made!"

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go see a man about this thing on my butt. Peace!"

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for your Every Day Life."


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes, All That, or the Rocky Horror Picture show.

Well, chapter seven. How did it get to this? I don't know, and I don't care. And if the sayings stop getting funny, I've got me a good ol' trump card. The best I'm doing so enjoy!

* * *

"And now, from the man who said 'does this thing on my face look like Marilyn Monroe?', It's _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_."

"No really, does it?"

"My parents divorced because of you!" the off screen voice yells. "Wah wah wah. Blab to someone who cares! Now come over here and put your hands inside this blender!" "I don't wanna!"

"When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in labor, BREATH!"

"Elvis once said "I can't help falling in love with you." I can't help staring at that thing on your neck."

"If you break into someone's house, and their living room looks exactly like yours with the exact same pictures on the wall, chances are, you're a moron."

"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree. What the hell am I gonna do with a tree?!"

"George W. Bush said 'Four more years!' Four more years? NO!!!! Oh God what did we do to deserve this?!"

"Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top-Holy crap a baby got stuck in a tree!"

"When I did something wrong and I got punished, my parents would say "now son this is for your own good." Then they would cover me in honey and stick me in a bear cave."

"The secret to the perfect Thanksgiving? One cooked turkey and enough Valium to knock out Elvis. Happy Holidays!"

"Never take candy from strangers. Take their money!"

"Don't eat yellow snow... without a little cottage cheese! Mmmmmm-hmm! Now THAT's good eatin'!"

"Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear! Sometimes that last part isn't an option."

"Everyone thinks time travel is so complicated. When really, it's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right!" Tenzil starts dancing. "Put your hands on your hips! You bring your knees in tight! But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane! Let's do the time warp again!"

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for your Every Day Life."

"Jazz hands, everybody!"


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!

Just to be clear, I make fun of everyone. And the boron bit is from Futurama Enjoy!

* * *

"_Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_ is sponsored by... Molten Boron. Remember our slogan..."

"_Nobody doesn't like, molten boron_!"

Tenzil is sitting at a desk, and putting lipstick on a sock puppet he's wearing on his left hand.

"Hey ho all of you out there in TV land. This is Tenzil Kem, keeping it real and helping you get through your daily lives."

"I've just been axed in the back!" the off-screen voice yells. "Oh stop complaining and take it like a man! Now quit scratching your axe hole and come marry this sock puppet!" "I don't wanna!"

Tenzil turns to the sock puppet on his left hand.

"Sorry Ms. Peabody. S'all right?" "S'all right!" "S'all right?" "S'all right!"

"You know, Thanksgiving is the time of year for family togetherness and being thankful for what you have. It's also the time of year to ask 'Please God, tell me I'm adopted.'"

"If you're at the mall, and you're son is sitting on Santa Claus' lap, and it's April, boy is he in for a big surprise!"

"In West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days. Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool, and shootin' some BBall outside of the school. When a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared, she said 'THAT'S IT! IT'S BACK TO REFORM SCHOOL WITH YOU, BUSTER!'"

"If you're a boy and you like playing with dolls, to avoid being made fun of, just take your Barbie, give it a really crappy hair cut, smear lipstick all over it and dunk in a bottle of brandy. Voila! You've got a Courtney Love action figure!"

"Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider who sat down beside her... and she took out an M80 and blew that sucker away! Hey! I made a rhyme!"

"As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Can you believe it? Seven! Damn he is one busy playa."

"Never try walking on your butt. Why? Butt splinters."

"A lot of famous people have stuff named after them. Abraham Lincoln has the Lincoln Memorial, George Washington has the Washington Monument, and Lou Gehrig's has Lou Gehrig's Disease. Everybody's happy!"

"Many famous people have overcome disability to achieve greatness. Beethoven was a great composer even though he was deaf. Helen Keller was blind and deaf, but she overcame that and led a long, rich life. And I broke out of an insane asylum on Mars to give you such quality entertainment!"

"Well this has been fine and dandy, but I've gotta go get Ms. Peabody over here a date for the Harvest Dance." "I want Ryan Seacrest!"

"This has been Tenzil Kem, (And Ms. Peabody), With Vital Information for your every day life."

"Ryan! WHERE'S RYAN?!"


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes, All That, or Tales from the Crypt.

Again, I hope I do not piss anyone off with these jokes. Enjoy!

* * *

"Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, it's _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Every Day Life_."

Tenzil is sitting in an old crypt, covered in spiderwebs and ripped clothing.

"Hello boils and ghouls! Your old pal Tenzil here, with vital _sin_formation for your _scaly_ routine."

"Your voice makes my ears bleed!" the off screen voice yells. "And you're making my heart bleed. Now get over here and come blow up the Deathstar like a good little Jedi!" "I don't wanna!"

Tenzil waves his hand at it in disgust and starts going through a moldy old book.

"Ah, here's a good one. A stitch in time saves nine. A stitch in eight, saves Nate. Who the hell is Nate?"

"They say there's no use crying of spilt milk. Oh yeah? Watch me!" Tenzil spills milk and starts crying like a baby. "WHY?! WHAT DID HE DO TO DESERVE THIS?!"

"The past will always comes back to bite you in the ass. Well that explains those teeth marks. I thought my girlfriend just had boundary issues! Ha cha cha cha chaa!"

"Never trying yodelling in the Swiss Alps with your pants down. Why? Frostbite."

"You know how the White Rabbit is always saying he's late for an important date? Guess what I found out? He's a girl."

"They say the French invented romance. Others say they invented torture. I say 'what's the difference?'"

"If you never use the turn signal when you're driving, you make U-Turns in the middle of a busy intersection, and have absolutely no idea what a brake is, I think you're turning Japanese!"

"I turned on an anime radio station and I heard a song called 'There's A Hurricane Tonight.' It was only after my roof blew off that I learned it was the weather station."

"The perfect idea for a valentine would NOT be 'Be my valentine or I'll blow up your cat! XOXO.' Trust me, I know what I'm talking about."

"They say the war on terror isn't going so well. Here's another shocker. Blue and yellow make green!"

"Always take failure in stride. One guy didn't, and guess what? World War II."

"My brother used to tell me there was a smelly monster hiding under his bed. I looked under, and I found out what happened to Grandpa."

'Chicken Little said 'the sky is falling! The sky is falling!' I said 'holy crap a talking chicken!'"

"Never give out candy on Halloween. Because then kids will egg your house. The next morning, free breakfast!"

'They say there's nothing like life on the open seas. No worries, no cares, and NO WOMEN. Gets pretty old pretty fast. And then the cabin fever sets in..."

"Well, kiddies, it's been fun, but now I've gotta go dig up a date for the weekend. TGIF. Thank God It's Frightday!" Starts laughing again.

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for your Every Day Life."


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes, All That!, Aflac, Fat Albert

No, Vital Information is not dead, yet. That trump card is to show how badly TV can have an effect on your lives. I hope Bill Cosby doesn't sue me. Enjoy! And GreenSun, please don't kill me.

* * *

"Hey hey hey! It's _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_!"

Tenzil is sitting in a junkyard.

"Well hey there! I'm Tenzil Kem, with vital information for your everyday lives. What with the info and the sitting and the telling and the listening and oh y'all know what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

"SHUT UP!" the off screen voice yelled. "No _you_ shut up! And while you're at it, get over here and milk this duck!" "I don't wanna!"

"Well it looks like I won't be able to enjoy a nice cold glass of duck milk, loaded with Vitamin Q. You dodged a bullet there, ducky." Tenzil turns to the duck beside him.

"AFLAC!" the duck screechs.

"Okay settle down there, quacky."

Tenzil clears his throat.

"Most of you know my fellow Legionnaire, Phantom Girl, can make herself disappear. The same cannot be said for those extra inches on her waist. It's okay, she looks good for a big girl."

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how long before I pop a pipe over Peter Piper's head?"

"Never hand in your math homework late and say, 'my dog ate my homework, LIVE WITH IT!'"

"My uncle Max used to say 'do onto others as you would have others do onto you.' Uncle Max also thought Marilyn Monroe was living inside his toybox. Man my family's messed up."

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. They also shouldn't wake around naked. 5 in the morning, no one wants to see that!"

"Every Groundhog's Day, people wait expectantly for the groundhog to come out of his hole and see if he has a shadow or not to judge how long winter will last. These people are called morons."

"Ah, here's something new. We have one of our fans sending in some vital information of their own. Don'tcha just love audience participation? This comes from 1000GreenSun, and it reads..."

"If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, then Chuck Norris has more money then you! And if I have five dollars, I've got more money than the four of you combined!"

"Chuck. Norris. I DESPISE Chuck Norris. He knows what he did! But thank you anyway, GreenSun, and please enjoy the complementary gift basket of oranges our studio is sent."

A studio hand appears on screen and says "Uh, Tenzil, you got a letter from Big Vinny thanking you for the oranges you sent. Says he didn't know you cared." Tenzil is confused. "He got the oranges? But I sent him the-"

"We interrupt this program for an urgent new bulletin."

"We've just got this report of an attack by vicious wildebeests, that were sent through the mail to some poor unsuspecting fangirl. Luckily she was able to beat them off without gaining any serious injuries. Although it's a different story for the mailman. And now back to our program."

Tenzil has deadpanned.

"Well if you'll excuse me I'll be in Mexico till this blows up. Hasta!"

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for your every day life."

Meanwhile, in Mexico...

"Ah, this is the life." Tenzil is lounging on a beach with the duck and Ms. Peabody, until a shadow steps in front of him. "HEY! MOVE I-" he stops short when he sees who it is.

"Oh, hey T-Tinya. H-How's it-"

"I look good for a BIG GIRL?" she said as she took out the aluminium baseball bat.

"Well maybe not THAT big."

And they never saw Tenzil again.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!

Might get a little racy, and special appearance by a character from _Kablam!_

* * *

"And now, it's time for _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_."

Ahem. Anyway, Tenzil is sitting on a bed covered with stuffed animals.

"Thaaaaat's me!"

"Oh God, what is wrong with you?! Why do you have a head?!" the off screen voice yelled. "WHO FRICKIN' CARES? Now get over here and come deliver my baby!" "You ain't pregnant and I don't wanna!"

"Really? Then why did I take that maternity leave?"

Tenzil shrugs, then turns to the screen.

"You've all seen the way Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy fight over Saturn Girl. Lightning Lad calls her sweetheart, Cosmic Boy calls her dearest. I call her tramp."

"Everyone thinks that the only thing windmills are good for are keeping people cool. Well, in the words of my good friend, Morbo... 'WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!'"

"I don't know why everyone loves the Wizard of Oz? 'If I only had a brain', 'if I only had a heart', 'if I only had da nerve', if I only had the stomach to sit through that crap!"

"Now, as a first on Vital Information, I have excepted a letter from one of my many fans."

Tenzil picks up a pink letter, then clears his throat and puts on a pair of reading glasses as he reads the letter aloud.

"_'Dear Tenzil. I just love your show so much I quit my job so I could stay home and watch you. I would just love to get you all to myself and rub maple syrup all over your..._' Tenzil stops reading aloud and he starts to blush profusly before he puts it down and grabs another one.

"NEW LETTER!"

Tenzil stops for a minute to wipe away the blood dripping form his nose.

"A-hem. _'Dear Tenzil, I need your help. I'm new at school and no matter how hard I try, no one seems to like me. I don't know what's wrong with me. All the other kids do is stare at me and then laugh. Is it my hair? My clothes? What should I do?'_"

Tenzil lowers the letter to show the tears dripping from his face as he starts bawling loudly.

"Kid, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You shouldn't have to change anything about yourself just to make friends." Tenzil has stopped crying. "And if they still don't want to be your friend... bribe their asses."

"Little Bo Peep-" Tenzil stops when he gets a tap on the shoulder. "Look, if it's about that gypsy, I-" he stops when he sees that it's Lightning Lad. He's grinning a very sadistic grin.

"Oh. H-hey, Garth. Uh, I'm kinda in the middle of something..."

"Yeah, about that. Y'know, Kem", he said as he placed his arm around his shoulder, "people don't like it when you call their girlfriends tramp. On intergalactic TV."

"Oh! S-so you and Imra are an item?" Tenzil tried to get away, only to see Garth powering up.

"You have ten seconds."

"Can-?" "TEN!" Garth starts shooting off electricity wildly at Tenzil, somewhat destroying the set, as Tenzil starts hopping around and making noises like Daffy Duck before he runs off screen.

"Yeah you BETTER run!" Garth cracked his knuckles as he muttered "talking 'bout _my_ girl like that." "Uh, we still have a minute left." one of the stagehands said.

Garth turned to the screen, then sat down on the bed.

"If you've been reading the latest _Green Lantern Corps_, you probably know about the Star Sapphire Corps, and how some people think that a male Star Sapphire would be a sissy for wearing pink. Well only a real man wouldn't be afraid to wear pink! For example, if he were to put on the wrong pair of underwear before he get's caught in his girlfriend's room."

Garth starts to blush before he said "well this is fun, but, I gotta go give a guy a beatdown. Peace!"

"This has been Tenzil Kem (and Garth Ranzz) with Vital Information for your every day life."

Meanwhile, Tenzil leaves the studio through a back door, only to get caught by Mr. Foot and tossed inside of a hovercar truck. Phantom Girl and Saturn Girl walk out of the shadows, looking over Tenzil with smirks on their faces, as Mr. Foot closes the trunk.

* * *


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!

Enjoy!

* * *

"Lock your doors! Put the children to bed and the women in the cellar! It's _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_! Starring... Tenzil Kem!"

Tenzil is on a big Broadway stage dressed in a tuxedo with a big top hat.

"Is everybody happy?!" he yells.

"YES!" the audience cries.

"I'm not!" the off screen voice yells. "Go suck a lemon! But before you do that, come over here and give this bear a root canal." "I don't wanna!"

Tenzil takes off his hat for a moment to address the audience.

"Cyndi Lauper said 'she bop, he bop, we bop. I bop, you bop...' I'm not allowed to bop. Court order."

"My aunt Ruth had a number of words we couldn't say in her home. Words like 'ass', 'crap', 'jerk', and 'intervention'."

"Never yell fire in a retirement home. Really, it's just, sad."

"Ten and twenty black birds baked into a pie. Ewww! Where did this guy learn to cook?!"

"Remember that animals are people too. So if you eat hamburgers, steaks, ribs, and chicken, that makes you a cannibal!"

"They've released the title for the next Quentin Tarantino film. 'Kill Deathproof Bill From Dusk Till Dawn On Planet Terror With Reservior Dogs Vol. 3 1/4. A Pulp Fiction Film'." Tenzil started to ponder the situation. "Hmmm. I think he's starting to repeat himself."

"Y'know, I feel bad for Superman, 'cuz I don't think he can have a meaningful relationship without THIS happening...". Tenzil takes out a piece of paper with a diagram of a lady on it. Then he takes out a BB gun and shoots a hole through the paper. "Get the picture? I sure did!"

"Never burn your candle at both ends. Not unless you own the Two-Edged Candle! Available for only $39.99." Tenzil takes out a box of candles with wicks at both ends.

"Never try to re-gift someone. Especially if it's the gift of lice." Tenzil starts to scratch his head.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to perform brain surgery on this expecting mother." Tenzil puts on surgical gear and walks over to a woman on a flat board.

"Uh, are you sure you're qualified to do this?" the mother asks.

"Don't worry, m'am, I'm a senator." he said as he took the pizza slicer.

"Hey doc, what're you doin' to my legs?!"

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for your every day life."


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That! Nor do I mean to offend Margot Kidder

* * *

"From the studio that brought _Friday the 13th Part 33 1/3: Jason Goes to the DMV_, it's _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_."

Tenzil is in front of a fancy kitchen.

"Hey! You're just in time for breakfast."

"And you're just in time for a beatdown!" the off screen voice yelled. "Bring it, bitch! But before you do, give Alaskan sled dog a colostomy!" "I don't wanna!"

"You shouldn't hear the things they say about Shaft. He is not one bad mother-"

"Shut yo' mouth!"

"I'm just talkin' 'bout the Shaft!"

"If you get caught chewing gum in school and the teacher asks 'did you bring enough for the rest of the class?', be sure to tell her 'yeah it's up my ass.'"

"I've heard people complain that Family Guy is nothing more than one random joke after another. Boy, I'll tell ya, this reminds me of the time I house sat for Margot Kidder."

FLASHBACK TIME!

Tenzil is sitting inside a large living, calmly reading a book, when...

Margot Kidder drives her car through the living room window! She bursts out of the windshield, looking rabid and screaming like a banshee.

"AAAHHHHH!!! AHHHHH!!"

She hops around, flipping over furniture and waving her arms around when...

"I forgot my make-up bag." She says in a very calm manner.

"Here ya go." Tenzil hands her the bag.

"Thanks. AHHHH!! AHHHH!!"

She flips the couch over, jumps through the unbroken part of the windshield, glass in her face, and drives through the fireplace. The ceiling falls in on Tenzil.

"I'm okay!"

FLASHBACK OVER!

"Now where was I? Something about fish? Oh wait, I remember. Benjamin Franklin once said 'a penny saved is a penny earned.' Wow, a whole penny. Now I can retire."

"Oh, it seems we have another letter from 1000GreenSun. This time it reads:

'Any Tom, Dick and Harry can do that!' 'What?' 'Sorry, Tom, Dick and Harry is politically incorrect. Harry got a sex-change, so now its Tom, Dick and Gwendolyn.' Wait, I went out with a Gwendolyn last night. And I made a touchdown!" Tenzil looks sick.

"'Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is. Is that why the space-time continuum is screwed?' Chuck. Norris. I LOATHE Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is what's wrong with Texas!"

"But thank you once again, GreenSun, and please accept this year's supply of Quarry-O's!"

Tenzil motions to a display of cereal boxes.

"Yes, Quarry-O's. Not just rocks! But rocks in a box! For every growing Bismollian's diet."

One of the stagehands walks on screen.

"Uh, you have another package."

"Huh? What's...?" the stagehand hand's Tenzil the box.

There is a postcard attached to the box. It reads:

I WILL GET YOU.

"What the-?"

Tenzil is caught off by the five rabid wolverines that jump out of the box and start to maul him. He is screaming horribly.

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for your every day life."

"THERE INSIDE MY RIBCAGE!"


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes, All That!, Gotham Girls, or Excel Saga

As a special treat, we get a glimpse at the Harley & Ivy movie. Enjoy. The name of the song is _Ai (Chuuseishin)_, _Love (Loyalty)_, by Milk. It is the opening of Excel Saga. I just thought this song fit those two so well, I couldn't think of anywhere else to include it but this.

* * *

"His voice brings joy to children everywhere..."

"Mommy that man scares me!"

"His laughter is the stuff dreams are made of..."

"Oh God what is that awful screeching?!"

"It's Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."

Tenzil is sitting in the front row of a movie theatre.

"Why don't you crawl back into the sewer you were spawned in?" the off screen voice yelled. "Because your mom's fat ass is blocking the way! Now get over here and send these death threats to Chuck Norris!" "Why?" "He knows what he did!" "Well I don't wanna!"

"My Uncle Gene said, 'do onto others has you would have others do onto you.' However, Uncle Gene liked getting his butt kicked."

"In _Snow White_, the Queen would ask the mirror who the prettiest was, and it would say Snow White. Well they're both wrong! I'm the prettiest, and ain't no magic talking glass sayin' otherwise!"

"If you're in the bathroom and someone has put on too much hot water and the room is filled with steam, you're walking around and you see something fat and hairy, chances are, my Aunt Jean is staying at your place! Stand still, she hunts by sensing movement."

"With the recent rush of Batman fandom, director Joel Schumacher has started to direct another film starring the Dark Knight. It's called 'Holy Ass Grabbers, Batman!'."

Tenzil is handed a memo off-screen.

"This just in, Christian Bale has put Joel Schumacher into a coma. I think I speak for all of us when I say 'PRAISE JEBUS!'"

"You ever get a feeling of deja vu? You ever get a feeling of deja vu?"

"Always tip your waitresses. They've been good to you. And if you don't, it's not my fault you're a cheap bastard."

"There's sick. There's depraved. There's psychotic. There's demonic. And then there's Maude."

"If you try to pass off an old, lost, and forgotten birthday gift as a Christmas gift six months later, you should make sure the box doesn't have air holes in it. Why? Because that's what happened to Fluffy!"

Tenzil pulls out the skeleton of a dead cat with a bow around it's neck with a card that says "For Tenzil". He then nonchalantly chucks the skeleton off screen.

"If you're in chemistry class, and something grey and sobbing with four eyes has just crawled out of a test tube, chances are it's Mystery Meat Monday."

"On Christmas morning, children all over the world wake up expecting to find some wonderful surprises in their stockings. One year my Grandpa drank too much eggnog and left a different kind of surprise."

"And now, because we've been paid lots of money and are being held against our will, here's a sneak peek at the musical number for the upcoming _Harley & Ivy_ film."

3. 2. 1.

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy are backed up against a brick wall by radioactive panther robot men and women in black leather with barbed whips.

**Harley**: You think they're mad?

**Ivy**: You're not getting the Eye of Kanzole, Dimitrikoff! We'd rather die, first!

The leader, Dimitrikoff, steps off a floating panel.

**Dimitrikoff**: Well girls, after that little stunt you pulled at the Superbowl with Tom Selleck, it was difficult trying to find.

**Harley**: Don't forget that awseome car chase through Disneyland!

Ivy elbows Harley in the gut to keep her quite.

**Dimitrikoff**: Ladies, you can keep your lives. But only if...

**Ivy**: If...?

**Dimitrikoff**: If you can sing a charming musical number!

Harley and Ivy look at each other with deadpanned expressions. The next scene, they're setting up a karaoke machine to the song _Love (Loyalty)_ from _Excel Saga_. They've got guns aimed at them.

**Harley**: For those of you reading, the song we are about to sing is actually in Japanese. But rather than doing any work, the writer has put the lyrics in English so you yutzes can understand it.

**Ivy**: Harley who are talking to?

**Harley**: No one, Red.

**Harley**: _This is not love._

**Ivy**: _Love is not this._

**Harley & Ivy**: _I love, but I'm not loved._

**Harley**: _By no means is this love. Sex ain't love._ It ain't?

**Harley & Ivy**: _I love, but I don't seek love out._

**Ivy**: _I lift up my body, throw down my life._

**Harley**: _Plainly without hesitatin'_...

**Ivy**: _I'll con them, jilt them, and come in from the side._

**Harley**: _I'll knock down other people and kick the snot outta them! And we get the hell out!_

**Ivy**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Harley**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Ivy**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Harley**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Ivy**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Harley**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Harley & Ivy**: _Even if we slip on banana peels..._

**Harley**: _This is all for his sake._

**Harley & Ivy**: _I must say it, this has gotta be a kind of loyalty you might call love_.

Harley motions to the henchmen.

**Harley**: Now you join along!

**Harley**: _This ain't love. Love ain't never this_.

**Harley & Ivy**: _This body of mine just can't take any more love_!

**Harley**: _Now's my chance to decipher it! Please tell me how much a gram costs_.

**Ivy**: _There could be a revolution of the moronic masses_...

**Harley**: _But the newspapers_...

**Ivy**: _World remain silent!_

**Harley & Ivy**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Henchmen**:_ And we get the hell out!_

**Harley & Ivy**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Henchmen**:_ And we get the hell out!_

**Harley & Ivy**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Henchmen**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Harley & Ivy**: _And we get the hell out!_

**Harley & Ivy**: _People go their own ways._

**Harley**: _This is probably for his sake._

**Harley & Ivy**: _I won't ask for anything in return. 'Cuz my loyalty is deeper than love._

**Harley**: Ain't talking to each other love?

**Ivy**: Just talking isn't love, Harl.

**Harley**: How 'bout dreamin' the same dream?

**Ivy**: Dreams aren't love at all.

**Harley**: Ain't lovin' each other love?

**Ivy**: Not if your the only one doing the loving.

**Harley**: But ain't tying each other up love?

**Ivy**: Not if you're the only one who gets tied up!

**Harley & Ivy**: _I might fall down and die, and I might drown..._

**Harley**: _But everything's for his sake._

**Harley**: _I might be an idiot..._

**Ivy**: _I might be a fool..._

**Harley & Ivy**: _But I don't care. This is a loyalty you might call love._

Everyone is cheering.

**Dimitrikoff**: Ladies, that was wonderful. Maybe I won't kill you after al-

Dimitrikoff is cut off by a large boxing glove to the face. Harley and Ivy look over him in superior satisfaction.

**Dimitrikoff**: But you said you loved me!

**Harley**: We had our fingers crossed.

It's over!

Tenzil is sitting in his seat, looking like someone just killed his best friend.

"If you'll escuse me, I have to go kill the directo-"

WHAM!

A truck bursts through the screen. Tenzil cannot believe who it is! It's the Kem Family!

Aunt Jean cried "REVENGE!" as they chased him through the theatre.

"How did they know where I was?!" he screams.

"How should we know?!" Tenzil turns his head to see Harley and Ivy running as well.

"Maybe we can lose them through the disco!" Ivy cries.

"Who could've done this?!"

Meanwhile, at the computer of yours truly.

"Heh. Ain't I a stinker? This has been Tenzil Kem with vital information for your every day life."


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes, All That!, or Gotham Girls

Thanks to GreenSun for doing that LL/DG drabble with Scooby Doo. I have an idea for a story with that, but I'm not sure if I can finish it. I'll try. Enjoy.

* * *

**TENZIL KEM WITH VITAL INFORMATION FOR YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE.**

**PRESS START.**

The screen is like a Japanese sims video game, with Tenzil's grinning face.

"Hello. I'm Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for your every day life. Although I don't know what happened to Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy from the last chapter."

**CONTINUE? YES/NO. Yes.**

We cut to a dark room. Harley yawns and tries to get up, then the lights go on and...

Harley and Ivy are chained to the wall of a filthy bathroom, next to a traffic cone named "Kyle"...

Along with a dead body!

"AAHHH!!"

"AAHHH!!!"

"Hello girls, the game is about to begin..."

...

"There's a family of mutant jack rabbits living in my bathtub!" the off screen voice yelled. "And what makes you think I care? Now stop your belly itchin' and go do some pitchin' before I start hitchin' your ass on the wall!" "I don't wanna!"

"Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool? Why the hell am I talking to a sheep?"

"Not many people know this, but the Doom Patrol used to have a member who had sixty-four super-powered personalities. And her name, was Brittney Spears."

"Cher announced today that she wanted to play the role of Catwoman in the next Batman movie. The President of Warner Bros said 'Sure! While we're at it, let's make Rosie O' Donnell the new Robin!' Ms. O' Donnell started shooting the next day."

"Most people know Bouncing Boy is dating Triplicate Girl. So when he dates three girls at once it's okay. When I do it I get chased by their gun-totin', Redneck dads."

"Always knock before you enter the bathroom. Because the last time I didn't, Grandma made me give her a stool softener. But that's what the pills are for."

**NEW PLAYER: IsisIIdaughterofRa.**

"What's this?" We have information from a new player. Processing... here we go."

"IsisII says..."

"'Math is everywhere. Live with it. BECAUSE I SURE AS HECK CAN'T! DIE ALGEBRA, DIE!'"

"'Well-behaved people seldom make history. They do, however, make very good innocent bystanders.'"

"Thank for the info, IsisII."

**IsisIIdaughterofRA: 1000 Point Bonus**.

"George Washington Carver is famous for inventing peanut butter. What most people don't know is that he also invented peanut soap, peanut windshields, and my personal favorite...

"The peanut machine gun."

The gun suddenly goes off, cracking the screen and causing it to fall over.

"Uh oh... if you'll excuse me I have to go make up an alibi. Night y'all!"

"This has been Tenzil Kem with vital information for your every day life."

**GAME OVER.**


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!

It's been a while, hasn't it? I think I'm a little rusty. _Living in the City_ is a song from _Sonic R_.

And I would just like to dedicate this to Avearia for my prize on DA, and for LadyProtecta for her Brainy/Vi fanart for my Christmas Track List. Girls, everyone, enjoy.

* * *

"Last issue, Tenzil fought off hordes of cannibal soccer moms. But now he's back. And now, it's _Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_."

Tenzil is sitting in a rocking chair and knitting a sweater. He looks like Whistler's Mother.

"Hello dearies. It's me, Mo-I mean, Tenzil."

"Boo! Boo! Hiss! I hope you close a car door on your hand!" the off-screen voice yells. "Likewise, freak! Now cram a bastard in it, squirrel, and get over here and joust with this chainsaw wielding maniac!" "I don't wanna!"

"Sorry Bubba."

The chainsaw wielding maniac lowered his chainsaw in sadness.

"Unn." He said, and left the studio. Tenzil put down the knitting needles.

"Don't try sticking your tongue inside a wall socket to see if it gets a charge. It may be fun, but the hard part? Getting it back out."

"Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey eat, monkey poo."

"Never spit in another man's eggs. Spit in his face!"

"_Living in the city. You know you have to survive. Living in the city. You've got to keep that dream alive. Living in the city. Where everything is free, can't you see_? Yeah, they says it's free, then explain why I spent all night in the county jail next to some pyromaniac for walking off with a car they 'say' is free. "

"My dad got employee of the month last week. What's his job? Village idiot."

"Everyone remembers how the wicked witch of the west melted when she got water thrown on her. I tried that on Cosmic Boy and I got put on suspension."

"Everyone's seen the way Cosmic Boy and Ebony Dent hate one another. The truth? They're knockin' headboards."

Meanwhile, in Legion HQ, Ebony and Lightning Lad are watching Tenzil in Garth's room. They've just heard that last bit.

"Me? And Moron?" She turns sickly green, and clutches at her stomach.

"Are you-" Garth can't finish because...

"BLECH!"

"You got it all over my red carpet!"

And outside, Saturn Girl fainted.

Back at the studio, Tenzil pulled out a fan letter, and…

"And we have plenty of information from reader #**L1701E**. Let's see…"

Tenzil cleared his throat and read down the list.

"Before the _Crisis on Infinite Earths_, Invisible Kid liked girls. After _Zero Hour_, he liked guys. MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!"

"It's not okay to douse your teacher in dog food and unleash starving Dobermans on her. Even if she did destroy your childhood, held you back three years, and turned your best friend into a quivering shell of a man. But the bitch got what was coming to her!"

"Never disturb Timber Wolf while he's baking. Just ask any of the guys he buried behind Legion HQ."

"Phantom Girl still looks good for a big girl. Yes, yes she does readers. But you didn't hear it from me."

"Extra! Extra!"

Tenzil is handed a memo by a stagehand.

"Hmm. What's this? _Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas Eve_. I did not know that. Wait, what? She was run over?! I'm coming Granny!"

Tenzil leaves the studio and runs to a snowy driveway, where he helps up his poor old grandmother. She's got skid marks and hoof-prints on her back. Next to her is a cup that was once filled with eggnog, and a container for her medication.

"Granny! WHY?! WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO OLD PEOPLE?!"

"T-Tenzil...?"

"Granny? Granny! I gotcha Granny!"

He hoists her onto his back.

"Oh thank you Tenzil. You always were such a sweet boy."

"It's gonna be okay Granny. Trust me. I'm a senator."

"Oh I do trust Tenzil. Which is why you probably had a good reason for calling that Phantom Girl fat."

"Ratings, Granny."

"But what'll happen if those two boys who like her find out?"

"Nah. They're too busy trying to kill one another to notice."

"I see. NOW!"

Something invisible throws Tenzil into the ground. He looks up, and it's…

"Jo? Brin?"

Granny takes off her wig and clothes to reveal it's really Timber Wolf. Standing next to him is Ultra Boy.

"You didn't learn the last time, did you?" Timber Wolf asks.

"Remember this?" Ultra Boy takes out the same bat Tinya used on him in the chapter he insulted her in. They gang up on him.

"W-wait. You two are always fighting over who gets to do it with Tinya! How can you be-?"

"Tinya is a grown woman and she can decide for herself who she wants to date." Jo explains.

"Until then, there's nothing to stop us from beating down whatever trash mouths off about her." Brin states.

"Eep."

"Mr. Nah?" Brin asks.

"After you, Mr. Londo."

"This has been Tenzil Kem with vital information for your everyday life."

* * *

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


	17. The Thanksgiving Special

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes.

Inspired by Saturday Night Live and an episode of CatDog.

I should probaly get shot for this.

* * *

"And now, for a special edition of _Vital Information_, here's Tenzil Kem, singing, the Thanksgiving Song!"

The spotlight moves onto Tenzil, who's sitting on a stool with a guitar. He starts strumming it.

_Oh Thanks-Giving, why do you come once a year?_

_Because we all have to deal with our fears…_

_Of the horror that comes this time of the season._

_So I better start listing the reasons,_

_Of why some people have misgivings,_

_About dear, sweet, old, Thanks-Giving!_

_You get up at five in the morning_

_And you feel like you're in mourning._

_Because you know that pretty soon,_

_You might as well be dead by noon._

_You get dragged into that jungle called a kitchen,_

_She says she's working, but all your mom does is the bitchin'._

_You mash the potatoes, you cream the corn,_

_And to take your mind off it, you think about porn._

_You get too preoccupied baking the buns…_

_Whoops! Now the stuffing's overdone._

_All of a sudden, the ground starts to shake._

_And then they all come, fast as a 'quake._

_Your family is here, for the holidays._

_And you pray to God that it'll be the end of days._

_And that's a few of the reasons why we have misgivings,_

_About dear, old, sweet, Thanks-Giving!_

_Your Uncles are annoying, your aunts are worse._

_And you watch as your parents mutter and curse._

_But with the grandparents, you don't know what to do._

_Because the smell like crap, and think it's 1942._

_And everyone thinks you're the one,_

_Who tried to get it on with your aunt, the nun._

_And then you pre-heat the oven and shove the turkey in,_

_But when it's done it looks like it came out of the laundry bin._

_The cranberries are spoiled, the corn bread is rotten._

_And then you realize that the yams are forgotten._

_You run into the kitchen, fast as a whip,_

_But they've been eaten by your diabetic Uncle Pip._

_He's down on the floor, ho-ing and heaving,_

_And your reverend cousin thinks that he's possessed by demons._

_We now know that there are now plenty of misgivings,_

_About rotten, old, stupid, Thanks-Giving!_

_Your snooty Aunt Betty smears on her lipstick,_

_As she asks you why your dad is such a dipstick._

_He doesn't get paid enough at work,_

_So every other day you're forced to eat day-old Mu-Shu Pork._

_Your cousin Jean asks why she wasted her life,_

_Marrying her husband Arnold, who plays the fife._

_He thinks that he's the most talented than all the muckity-mucks._

_But to put it to you plainly, he sucks._

_Your uncle Jim is so busy shoveling down turkey,_

_He doesn't notice he swallowed his house key._

_You mom ask your sister-in-law if she'd like to try her pie._

_But all that gets her is a knife in the thigh._

_You think that things have gone too far._

_But really, for the course it's now par._

_'Cuz now Grandpa's accusing Uncle Gar,_

_That he tried to run him down with his new Cadillac car_

_You think that it's now gotten worse,_

_And you better be calling for a hearse._

_But then they break out the brandy, the schnapps, and the beer._

_And now everyone's sitting pretty and clear._

_Now everyone's tired, fat, and lazy,_

_And my vision has started getting hazy._

_But I hope you have no more misgivings,_

_About dear, sweet, old, Thanks-Giving!_

"What? Where's that guy who usually yells at me?"

In another part of the studio, the offscreen guy is bleeding from the ears and looking as if he just died from a heart attack. Which he did.

"Well, that's that. If you'll excuse me, I have to go figure out what my little brother Timmy just stuck inside his ear. Happy Holidays! Now where's my-"

BONG!

Tenzil is on the ground, a big lump on his head. Ebony Dent is standing over him with his guitar in her hands.

"Me and Moron? I'm going to enjoy this."

"W-who are you?'

"It's me, Ebony Dent. But you can call me... El Kabong."

BONG!

"This has been Tenzil Kem, with a Thanksgiving special of vital importance."


	18. The Thanksgiving Special Part II

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes, All That!, or Spider-Man.

I just had to continue the revenge.

* * *

"'El Kabong?" Tenzil wearily asked.

"What the sprock did you do to him?" One voice, a man.

"Just hit him over the head with a guitar. Oh, and that thing with the cheese grater." A second voice, female.

He opened his eyes, slowly, and he saw Ebony Dent standing over him, and was that...?

"Lightning Lad?"

It was indeed, but there was something odd. He had a different costume, a tattoo of the Legion "L" and two lightning bolts on his left arm, stubble instead of a goatee, oh, and a flesh-and-blood right arm.

"This is the Garth Ranzz from New Earth. I didn't feel like bothering our Garth with this." She explained.

"What the sprock is he doing here?"

"Owed her a favor."

"And he was kind enough to fulfill it, unlike that asshole gargoyle Pazuzu."

And somewhere in Paris…

"What is it papa?" The little baby gargoyle perched on Notre Dame asked his father, the large Pazuzu.

"I do not know my son. I feel… a disturbance."

And, back to our trio...

"Tenzil, this is what happens when you mouth off about people who don't deserve it. And when you perpetuate the idea that I have knocked it with the Idiot Formerly Known as Moron." Ebony almost puked hearing that.

"We can take a joke. But one insult after another is just stupid. _That 80's Show_ stupid." Garth informed.

"Why do you care?" Tenzil asked.

"This is fanfiction. If the writer wants him to care, he cares." Ebony broke the fourth wall.

"And iIf the writer wants this thing to have a bathroom, and Queen Elizabeth I was sitting on it, then that's what's gonna happen!" Garth explained.

FLUSH!

"Dearies you seem to be out of the two-ply." The Queen told them.

The Time Bubble emerged over a church covered in snow.

"You like Thanksgiving so much? Enjoy spending it in 1692 Salem!" Ebony said.

"As they said in _Yuyu Hakusho_, sayonara bye-bye." Garth waved bye-bye.

They pushed Tenzil out of the time bubble, and he fell through the church roof and landed on his butt at his destination. He pondered the situation for a moment.

"Wait. 1692. Why does that sound so…"

He stopped short when he realized he had been dropped in the parish, as the angry Puritans were busy persecuting poor Martha Corey.

"'Sup?"

"WITCH! WITCH!"

"I saw him dancing with the devil!"

"I saw him dancing with the devil!"

"Sprock my ass off."

And back in the time bubble...

"You want to stick around?" Ebony asked.

"Nah."

"Well, you have anything planned for Thanksgiving?" Ebony asked. "I ate a while ago, but I'm still a little hungry." Garth told her.

"Pizza?" Ebony asked.

"Now that sounds like a fine idea indeed." The queen said.

"Just not that Dominoes crap." Garth smirked.

...

"Okay I hate to break up Petticoat Junction, but I'm not a witch."

They had Tenzil tied to a wooden stake and were about to set him on fire.

"Only a witch would say that!" A farmer with two missing teeth shouted.

"Say what?" Tenzil asked.

"I'm not a witch!" The farmer repeated.

"We got another one!" They ambushed the farmer.

"Two in one day people! Very good!" The reverend said.

"Y'are a witch! Nestled on the suckling teat of Satan's frothy wench himself!"

Tenzil blanked.

"…there are so many things wrong with that."

They cheered on as they lit a torch. Tenzil gulped. All seemed lost, when...

Dues Ex Machine time!

"What the-?!"

In a flash of white light, Tenzil was back in his room at Legion HQ. Who did he have to thank for this? He looked around, and on the ceiling...

"Spider-Man!"

Over one the wall of his room, there was the wall-crawling, red-and-blue, friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

"Thanks Spider-Man!"

"Everybody gets one." The wall-crawler said, and disappeared into the night.

...

"Crap."

The two were sitting inside a Pizza Hut.

"What?" He asked as he dunked a breadstick in tomato sauce.

"I forgot. What if someone brings him back?" Ebony drank from her Coke-A-Cola.

"I took care of that." Garth smiled a devilish grin.

...

Brainy was watching the Daily News.

"…_and while he said he never saw the movie, Tenzil Kem was quoted 'the only difference between Kirk and Picard is that Picard makes up for his lack of acting by being a bigger douche bag than Kirk, which is saying something_.'"

There was a knock at the door.

"Who could that be?" Brainy asked. He opened the HQ doors, and standing in the mist were a pack of red-eyed, bloodthirsty Trekkies.

"GIVE US, THE BOY."

"Tenzil, company!"

…

"Happy Thanksgiving."

"Happy Thanksgiving."

"Jolly good show."

They toasted.

"This has been Ebony Dent of Earth-22, Garth Ranzz of New Earth, and Queen Elizabeth I administering well-deserved revenge of vital importance."


	19. A Very Special Vital Info Christmas

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That! The Twelve Days of Christmas cover written by Tom and Mary Bierbaum. The ending borrowed from Teen Girl Squad #14.

* * *

"And now, a very special Christmas Rendition of Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for Your Every Day Life."

Tenzil is sitting out in the snow, dressed in 19th-Century English getup, with a top hat, a corncob pipe, and mutton chops.

"Merry Christmas my loyal couch potatoes. For this special Christmas edition, we have rocks, corncob pipes, top hats, and mutton chops!"

"What about Kwanzaa?!" the off screen voice yelled.

"What about Kwanzaa? Now come over here and pull that menorah out of your ass and dance around this mothaf&*kin' dreidel!"

"I don' wanna!"

"Bah humbug!" Tenzil cried back. "Before we start, I should mention that on my home planet, Bismoll, since we Bismollians can consume matter in all forms, our holiday has a lot to do with rocks."

"Why?!"

"It just does!"

"Bug humbar!"

"But first…" Tenzil started.

A blank screen popped up.

"Vital Info's Christmas Star, by unanimous vote is…" Tenzil started.

"Drura Sehpt!"

DRURA SEHPT!!

A picture of Infectious Lass popped up.

"And now, the Tenzil Choir, singing Bismoll's favorite rendition of the Twelve Days of Christmas…"

Cut to a bunch of guys dressed like Tenzil.

_On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: A bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 slag heaps, 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 obsidians, 3 slag heaps, 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 GOLDEN ROCKS, 4 obsidians, 3 slag heaps, 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 flints a-stoning, 5 GOLDEN ROCKS, 4 obsidians, 3 slag heaps, 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 mines a-striping, 6 flints a-stoning, 5 GOLDEN ROCKS, 4 obsidians, 3 slag heaps, 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the eight day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 stones a-rolling, 7 mines a-striping, 6 flints a-stoning, 5 GOLDEN ROCKS, 4 obsidians, 3 slag heaps, 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 quartzes watching, 8 stones a-rolling, 7 mines a-striping, 6 flints a-stoning, 5 GOLDEN ROCKS, 4 obsidians, 3 slag heaps, 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 lavas flowing, 9 quartzes watching, 8 stones a-rolling, 7 mines a-striping, 6 flints a-stoning, 5 GOLDEN ROCKS, 4 obsidians, 3 slag heaps, 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 granites crumbling, 10 lavas flowing, 9 quartzes watching, 8 stones a-rolling, 7 mines a-striping, 6 flints a-stoning, 5 GOLDEN ROCKS, 4 obsidians, 3 slag heaps, 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

_On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 boulders tumbling, 11 granites crumbling, 10 lavas flowing, 9 quartzes watching, 8 stones a-rolling, 7 mines a-striping, 6 flints a-stoning, 5 GOLDEN ROCKS, 4 obsidians, 3 slag heaps, 2 concrete blocks, and a bunch of pebbles in a quarry!_

"Oh boy, I got a rock!" Tenzil cried.

DONK!

"Two rocks!"

DONK! HIT!

"Three rocks."

DONK! HIT! CONCUSSION!

"Four rocks and traumed head." He passed out in the snow.

"Is he dead?" The Choirmen asked.

"WE'RE FREE!" They screamed, and ran off.

IT'S OVER! MERRY CHRISTMAS, ROCK HEADS!

…

IT'S NOT OVER!

"I can't believe I was voted the Christmas star!" Infectious Lass swooned.

"Heh heh heh Christmas prank Christmas prank heh heh heh Christmas prank." Laughed Radiation Roy, Golden Boy, and Earth-Man.

"Oooohh." Infectious Lass sighed.

"Nah, I'm just kidding. You wanna be my girlfriend?" Golden Boy asked.

"I'd love to!"

"Heh heh heh Christmas prank Christmas prank. Christmas prank heh." They laughed at her.

"Oooohh." She sighed.

"You want this diamond ring?" Earth-Man asked.

"Of course!"

"Christmas Prank heh heh heh." They laughed before…

COME UPPENCE!

Three garbage cans got dumped on them.

"Something got dumped on us! We'll never live it down! Our reputations are ruined!" They screamed and ran off, when Jacques Foccart, the second Invisible Kid stepped in.

"Invisibleman!" Infectious Lass screamed in joy.

"Infectious Lass, all zis time I was looking around, and you weren't right there in front of me. But I realized- when I was looking around- that you were right there in front of me- all zis time- Infectious Lass."

"That makes so much sense!"

"Will you accompany me to de end credits?" He extended his arm.

"I'd love to!"

_It's over! And you're walking into a parking lot with the hot guy. It's over! And they all make fun of you, but they got stuff dumped on top of them._

IT'S OVER!

For real!


	20. Vital Information For The New Year

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these shows.

Happy 3009 Faithful Readers!

* * *

"And now, the Vital Information New Year's Countdown to 30--!"

Tenzil has own a party hat and one of those blow things in his mouth.

"Boy, we sure have had one crazy year." Tenzil said.

"No you haven't!" The off screen voice yelled. "Shut up! You just ruined the century! Not start singing Auld Lang la la in this teddy!"

"I don't wanna!"

"Boy, we sure have had some crazy times. Like the time I got shot."

__

BAM!

"I got shot!" Tenzil yells as he falls on the sun dial.

...

Tenzil is sitting in a hospital bed, surrounded by a binch of people.

"It was…" He points an accusing finger around the room, until he reaches…

*GASPS!*

"Maggie Simpson!"

The little baby with the pacifier just keeps on sucking it.

…

"And there was that time I ran a modeling class at Lawndale High."

__

Tenzil is standing on the stage of Lawndale High's auditorium, speaking to a bunch of girls in his modeling class.

"Now girls, you are walking down the runway to your car. You have spotted a headless corpse in it… and it's a brand new car!"

"But, why would there be a-" Quinn Morgendorffer starts to ask.

"AND IT'S A BRAND NEW CAR!"

…

"And then that time I tried to get that chicken out of that cow."

__

Tenzil is dressed as a doctor, Cow is sitting on a table. Tenzil has just spread salt near her udder, then examines his watch, then milks her.

"Milk sample!" He says in a sing-song voice, holding a glass of milk.

"Uh doctor, what is the point of this experiment?" Dad asks.

"Well, I'm thirsty, and your daughter's a cow. DO THE MATH!!"

…

"And then there was that time I looked SOOOO good."

__

A stick figure Tenzil is standing with Cheerleader, So-and-So, and What's Her Face.

"Hey gals! How ya looking?" Cheerleader asks.

"SO GOOD!"

"OKAY! I mean SO GOOD!" Whats-Her-Face says.

…

"And then there was that time I got that guy to say he was sorry."

__

Tenzil is at a talk show, speaking to someone in the audience. He as a thick Pottsylvania accent.

"So are you sorry you called her fat?" Tenzil asks.

"Yes! Oh God, yes!" The audience member breaks down crying.

…

"And then there was that time I set my girlfriends straight. Now what I'm saying?"

__

Tenzil is sitting at a table with a couple of fat, black women.

"Mmmmm-hmmm." The first one goes.

"Uh-uhhh." The second one goes.

"Uhhh-huh." Tenzil says.

…

"And then there was that time I almost married Professor Utonium."

__

Cut to a chapel in Townsville. Professor Utonium is standing down the aisle, his three girls the bridesmaid. He lifts up his bride's veil…

And it's Tenzil!

He leans in for the kiss. Utonium is horrified.

"I have always loved you." Tenzil whispers.

…

"And then there was that time I said I wouldn't let go."

Tenzil is sitting on a broken off panel, in the freezing Atlantic ocean. Jack drifts off below the water.

"I'll never let go, Jack."

…

"And then there was-"

"HOLD IT!"

Tenzil stops. The director steps on screen.

"None of this stuff happened! You just stole it from other TV shows!"

BOOM!

The other cartoon characters enter with torches and pitchforks.

"There he is!" Peter Griffin yells.

"GET HIM!" The Powerpuff Girls scream.

"Gotta go! Happy New Year!" Tenzil runs off screaming as they chase after.

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for the New Year. Happy Whenever!"


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion or All That.

No, I don't have a thing about flamers. I just thought this up because I was bored.

* * *

Zoom in on a red skinned guy with a beehive wig and a green blouse with no pants.

"Oh hello, ladies! It's me, international pop deva Red Beaver, and my little companion Spot the Weenie Dog."

Holds up a festering, rabid dog.

"And now, it's time for _Tenzil Kem's Vital Information For Your Everyday Life_."

Cut to Tenzil sitting at a news desk.

"Hello, all you grandmas out there."

"I'm 24!" The offscreen voice yelled.

"You're also ugly! Now get over here and start working on this script for the _Watchmen_ remake!"

"I don't wanna!"

Tenzil flips the guy off.

"Now, I'd like to get serious for a moment, and discuss with a problem that has been plaguing mankind for centuries. Flamers."

"Descended from a race of giant flame spewing Hawaiian hissing cockroaches, flamers take on the appearance of either overweight, acne-riddled, balding, middle-aged men, or that of twenty-five year old, Sweeney Todd shirt wearing, mustachioed former cheerleaders. They have nothing better to do than make fun of everything that is posted on the internet. They make they're petty insults sound smart, but really, they do it so their Cheeto-fed life can seem bigger and better than the rest of us. Even though they are allergic to sunlight, never sleep, and bleed a corrosive acid from their eyes every time they are turned on by House/Daffy Duck slash, most of which they write themselves. It's sad really, since all they do is ruin the hobbies the rest of us like to persue."

"When dealing with flamers, I like to think of 25 different insults to deal with them. Here's the list."

Cut to Red Beaver standing next to a screen like Vanna White.

1. Looks like someone's stepdad had boundary issues.

2. The only thing funnier than you typing that is you thinking I'm gonna care.

3. Your mother.

4. Yeah, that's great. How bout you go over there and be you, I'll stay here and be me, and we can go on with our lives. Oh, that's right, you don't have one.

5. Let me pretend I care. ...Okay, I'm done.

6. Wow, you actually thought that out. I didn't know assholes took so long to think about how they're going to make shit.

7. Rosie O'Donnell rip off, much?

8. I can't hold it against you. I mean, it's not my fault you're on the rag.

9. I'm betting you spoke that out in a British accent while you were typing it, didn't you?

10. Geez, you french your sister with that mouth?

11. Now do Howard Stern.

12. How marvelously asinine. You have a talent for abusing the human language that is, and can only be, exceeded by the negative number that is your IQ.

13. McCarthy must be turning in his grave.

14. Way to kick the First Amendment in the family jewels.

15. Tell me, by any chance, do you have a life? You do? Than stay out of mine.

16. Don't you have better things to do than acting like the neighborhood spastic?

17. Hear that? It's me not caring.

18. My grandma could type better insults from the nursing home.

19. Yes and I'm sure this is why your parents put the internet connection in their basement. So you could be wasting your time doing this instead of getting a job like the rest of us.

20. What garbage disposal were you spawned in and why should I care?

21. Way to ruin the internet for the rest of us.

22. That's what she said.

23. You live in a fantasy world, don't you?

24. I've read better insults on the bathroom walls at Disneyworld.

"And, my personal favorite."

25. ...

"Just ignore them. Our attention is their lifeblood. Failure to notice their existence is like kryptonite. But it's okay to get a few jabs in before failing to recognize their ability to exist. This was proven in a government research station in Omaha, Nebraska. They aren't worth the time, the patience, or the DNA. I'm Tenzil Kem, you stay classy, internet."

"This has been Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."


	22. Vital Info's Worst Earth Day Ever

Disclaimer: I do not own Legion or All That!

I got the idea to do this with felt puppets from Daria. Like the muppets.

* * *

"And now boys and girls, tonight's edition of _Vital Information For Your Every Day Life_ will be done entirely with felt puppets."

...

It was a beautiful day in the broadcasting network building as Tenzil Kem prepared to do his Earth Day Special.

"Mornin' Sue!" Tenzil waved a felt hand to Sue the secretary. "Isn't it a beautiful day in the broadcasting network building?"

"It sure is Mistah Tenzil, especially since you prepared to do your Earth Day Speical!" Sue replied, trying to smile but could not since her felt face could not convey any emotion.

But, suddenly, Tenzil gasped, as he realized that Earth Day was yesterday!

"Earth Day was yesterday!"

And he looked around at the deplorable mess in the studio.

"What a deplorable-okay at any point in this stupid thing am I going to stop repeating the plot descriptopn?" Tenzil asked.

Shut up! I'm the author and you do what I say or someone's getting replaced by talking chipmunks!

"Oh curse you writers and your ability to control the fabric of time and space." Tenzil shook his felt fists in anger.

Damn right.

Then Tenzil started punching himself in the face.

"Ow! OW!" He cried. "Alr-OW-ight I get the-OW-THE POINT!" He screamed, his felt face black and blue.

Okay then. Anyway...

Then Johnny the gopher-

"Is he an actual gopher?" Tenzil asked.

No.

"Ohhhh." Tenzil moaned.

Live with it.

Anyway, Johnny came running in, his felt face trying to look frantic.

"Mister Kem, Mister Kem!" He cried.

"What is Johnny, with your felt face trying to look frantic?" Tenzil asked.

"Come look outside!" He waved to the front doors, and Tenzil rushed beside him to the front doors.

SLAM!

They swung open, and Tenzil gasped in shock at what a horrible mess he saw.

"Gasp! What a horrible mess I saw!" Tenzil moaned.

Even with Earth Day behind us, the entire city was mess. Papers, plastic bags, empty and half empty drinking cans, and other such garbage everywhere.

"The entire city is a mess!" Tenzil cried.

"There's trash everywhere!" Johnny cried.

"Hey how come he doesn't have to repeat everything?!" Tenzil yelled.

Because you're my b!tch.

"Wait, I know how we can get people to think green!" Tenzil cried as he a lightbulb popped above his head. And then fell and cracked on his head. "Ow!"

Sorry.

"You did that on purpose!"

Prove it.

Anyway...

Tenzil decided to launch a huge campaign to get people to think green.

"I will launch a huge campaign to get people to think green!" He said, blood dripping from his forehead.

So, he had the printing presses turned on, and the printers went straight to work to spread the word of green. The rolled on and on for forty days and forty nights. Tenzil stopped at not expense to tell of the dangers of pollution. And no tree avoided his fanatical reign as even the rarest redwood was pulped for publication.

"Faster! Faster!" Tenzil yelled to the child slaves printing his periodicals on thinking green. He was growing antsy. "I am going antsy!"

"But sir, they children, they hunger!" Johnny told him.

"Bah!" Tenzil yelled, knowing what to do. "I know what to do!"

And he threw Johnny to the hungry crowd.

"AAHHH!!! Tell my wife I lo-" Johnny couldn't finish as the children devoured his vocal chords.

And so, Tenzil decided to finish his campaign with a tiicket-tape parade throughout the city.

"I will finish my campaign with a ticket-tape parade throughout the city!"

And so he did, as float after float went through the city, spreading the joy of recycling, millions and millions of flyers and posters flying through the air, as Tenzil sat in a gold throne ontop a large limo, Johnny's wife by his side, as people cheered him and the Tenzil dancers on. When, suddenly, the brakes went out on Tenzil's car and it went madly throughout the crowds.

"The brakes went out!" Tenzil screamed.

"How could this be?!" The driver said.

"I did it for Johnny!" Johnny's wife did say. "I couldn't prove you killed him, so I'm taking you with me when I saw him, in HELL!!"

Tenzil screamed as he flew out of the car before it crashed.

"AAAAHHH!!!"

The car toppled over, and a fire ignited. A fire which spread through the millions of papers that he had thrown throughout the city. The inferno raged for days, killing all in it's path. It devoured the schools...

"No!"

The stores...

"No!"

The strip clubs...

"DEAR GOD NOOOOOO!!!!!"

And the IRS.

"YAY!!!"

There was no way to stop it, as it engulfed ever man, woman and child in it's path.

"AAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!!"

Their felt arms wriggling around in horror, their flap mouthes opening up in down in screams of unholy terror.

The news reports around the globe said

"AAAHHHHH!!!!!"

And the Legion of Super-Heroes could not do anthing about it, because they, they just couldn't, alright?! That good enough for you?!

"Alright." Tenzil said.

And soon the entire planet became one big fireball, an unholy inferno of death and destruction as every living thing was stripped of it's flesh and burned to the bone in an offering to war, terror, and death!!!

...

"And that, children, is why you should recycle."

Tenzil closed the book about the Worst Earth Day Ever, looking down at the little children and their pale faces drawn with terror.

"Remember, think green. THINK!! GREEN!!!!" Tenzil shouted the last two words, like his good friend Sir Raven on Billy & Mandy.

The children ran off screaming into the night.

"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for Your Every Day life."


End file.
